I’m sick of feeling heartbroken when I shouldn’t be when I have no right to be when I haven’t had a girlfriend in two years and I forget what it feels like to hold her body and feel the warmth of her heartbeat beneath her tight-fit sweater. I’m sick of walking around at night with my cynical friends and laughing at all the drunk boys and girls who hold each other and pretend they’re in love so they don’t have to go back to their rooms alone. I’m sick of this loneliness that suffocates me even when people surround me and prod me and ask me what’s wrong aren’t I having a good time because if I’m not I should and it’s really fucking selfish we just want to have fun you’re bringing the whole place down. I’m sick of forcing myself to talk when there’s nothing left to talk about and all we can do is look at each other and look away because we’re embarrassed by the silence because we feel like we have to fill every second of every minute of every hour with our broken voices.
There’s a fat unattractive girl dancing on the table of the patio of our dorm and she has her hand under her shirt and she’s kind of pulling it up so we can check out her body stretch marks and all. Her name is Emily and her roommate’s name is Sarah she’s an ungrateful slut who comes home with a different guy every night even though she has a boyfriend. Emily stumbled here drunk around two o clock walking up close real comfortable despite never having seen or known us before. Her room is covered in condoms they won from Sex Ed Bingo she says and if she finds one of them missing she’s going to kick Sarah’s ass.
I don’t want to hear about your good time unless I’m having a good time too. I wish you’d stop calling me and telling me about your liberation complex. You were such a fucking loser. What makes you think you’ve changed? What makes you think anything about you is different? You’re the same as you’ve always been and you’ll never be anything more than awkward. I don’t care about the friends you’ve made and how you’re worried about your classes because all you ever do is hang out. I’m not interested in the new movies and music you’ve been exposed to now that you’re around people just like you. Can’t you see I’m jealous? I can’t find the words
It gets harder everyday to fake a smile. It gets harder everyday to look outside myself and say I should just be happy and realize everybody everywhere feels down sometimes it’s perfectly okay things can only get better. It gets harder it gets harder it gets harder I’m just so sick of myself.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...this is an interesting start here. Its a rather powerful monologue moment there because we very much have this situation where this person appears to be going on a bit of a mental rant towards themselves as they seem to be trying to cope what seems like a lot of problems that have piled up. Its a little on the longer side as far as paragraphs go and that makes it a touch harder to read, but it almost works really, just to show how broken this person is at the moment.
Alright this is a bit of a different one here. I feel like its not the best shift in tone to go so sharpy from this harsh mental reflection to suddenly just some random rant against another person we randomly meet. It seems like far too much of a jump here and its also just a much different situation to have this person judge another so harshly because this person seems like their not that great of a person to others either so the sympathy points tend to drop a little.
Okay...well now we're back to this downward spiral. It makes for an interesting conundrum here. Those two paragraphs on their own showcase someone who is maybe a little depressed and perhaps lashing out at someone, but something about the tone their combining with the paragraph in the middle really throws it off a little and almost makes you have to pick a side. It certainly makes things interesting but I feel like maybe you were not aiming for that much ambiguity here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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I found the repetition of ‘when’ annoying here. You might want to think about changing that to something like: I’m sick of feeling heartbroken when I shouldn’t be as I have no right to feel that way. I haven’t had a girlfriend...
The sentence flows better without ‘the’ in front of ‘girls’: ...laughing at all the drunken boys and girls who hold...
Try splitting up your sentences. This one is quite difficult to read all jammed together. You can take out the third ‘me’. For this bit try wording it differently, use speech marks as it would clarify what the friends(?) say and how the narrator feels.
Another awkward reading here. How about: I’m sick of forcing myself to talk when there’s nothing left to say and all we do is exchange looks and turn away—embarrassed by the silence.
Note: The above is a suggestion that you don’t have to necessarily use.
I wasn’t too sure who the ‘slut’ was as it was all throw in together. Think about separating Emily and Sarah so the reader isn’t too confused.
That was a twist in direction. Throughout the piece ‘you’ wasn’t addressed until here. Unless it was intentional I’d change it to fit with the whole piece.
I really don’t see what was so funny here.
Since it is about feelings and I can relate to this, I guess a lot of people can. There wasn’t anything that stuck out but for a short piece it wasn’t too bad.
hey man i hate dashboard confessional and bright eyes as much as the next guy but that doesn't mean i'm throwing around "emo" as a derogatory term and poking fun at anything slightly lonely or bitter. this piece is really deeply personal to me and to be honest, it's a little insulting to hear that it made somebody laugh their ass off. tip for a better critique: criticize the lack of grammar or the writing but save the laughter part for your friends.
Its not emo? What are you blind? Sorry to say, but it is: EMO EMO EMO EMO EMO EMO plus infinity
Omg, get over it! It's not emo! Whoever brought that term back for a second, and thus doomed, round deserves to die. If I hear one more wrongly accused band, poem, or person called that I will shoot the accusing.
Lmao, my god but this screams: EMO!!!
hahahahahaha, I really liked it though, and bar the very obvious grammar, or lack therof, its quite good. Made me laugh.
This was good, but for some reason alot of the words turned into random symbols... I'm not sure if that's just my computer or something else. I liked what I was able to read though. Great job!